Was it all one Big Mistake?

Just to reiterate to you all: this is not my 'public' blog linked from dashdotslash.net but more a diary and place to get stuff off my chest.  So don't go passing this around or linking to it anywhere ..or I'll get mad.

CAUTION: this is a bit of a seriously long post.....

I've been thinking a lot the last 12 months.....

As I sit here this evening (26th May...my dad's birthday), a few days after my 41st birthday I have been asking myself for about a year now one question. 'Did I make a huge mistake getting into 3D in the 1st place?' Now before you think a word, having a 'name' in 3d means sod all. It has no value, it won't make you money and you can't ask you bank manager for money secured on it.  But as well as some nice things it brings it also means every time you show your face at a 3d event you get bombarded with questions. While 90% of the time I don't have a problem with that, the other 10% of the time when you just feel like having a normal time and not being seen just as  a walking encyclopaedia of Mudbox and sculpting, you can't.

So back about a year ago after I had my stroke I started asking myself some hard questions...

• ·         why did I get into this in the 1st place
• ·         why do I do it now ...the bottom line
• ·         what have I done right career wise?
• ·         what did I get hideously wrong career wise
• ·         why after doing everything (and more) ever asked of me am I still freelance and flat broke?
• ·         was starting doing tutorials, DVD's & the YouTube videos actually a good idea in the long term?
• ·         Do I still want to do this?
• ·         why do I feel like there is no point any more in continuing 3D?
• ·         what are my strong points and achievements?
• ·         why after everything I have done do I still feel like a failure?
• ·         why is it impossible it seems for me to find a full time position even after training the very guys working at many top firms, and in some cases making the decisions?
• Have I pissed off THAT many people simply by being myself? 

I didn't get into 3D to just make pretty pictures, if there is zero chance of me ever achieving my goals then I would not stay in this industry.  I'm not here to play around. I wont waste the rest of my life if I cannot do the things I want to and get where I want to be.

None of these are easy questions to answer and it's taken me this long to even answer some of them.  Some I cannot find an answer to that sounds sensible.  Why did I get into this? Simply put I wanted to make stuff that looked as good as I saw in the movies and get the ideas in my head down so that I could show my creativity in solid form. Games never interested me as a section of the industry as I had my hard core gaming years over a decade and a half ago and so they lost their magic years ago.  I find many modern games to be rather generic and not as 'fresh' as games were back in the early days.

It all comes down to a simple question: 'Do I still want to do this as a way of feeding my family?'  Some days the answer is a resounding No I do not. I am sick of it either being feast of famine, I am sick of clients (both tiny and huge companies) making getting payment out of them like getting blood out of a stone.  I am sick of having to forever chase my tail to answer reasons why someone will not hire me full time.

I started to realise recently that I am now seen primarily is as teacher.  In fact I am seen more as a developer than a freelance artist these days.  The teaching side was only ever for two reasons, firstly to try and give something back to the 3d community, and secondly as if I was starving then releasing a DVD or two meant we could eat and pay the bills again.  This is a fucked up situation, as while I enjoy teaching it is NOT what I got into 3D for in any way shape or form!

In a similar way that the programs and plug-in's I've released over the years were simply in some cases done as favours to either Autodesk or the community as a whole.  They were not intended as a career path as I got out of my old job as a programmer for the very reason that I can't stand doing it each and every day forever.  Simply put as a long term career prospect I detest the prospect.

I have done each and everything ever asked of me that was given as reasons that stood in my way in regards to a full time position.  But each time I tick a goal off my list several new ones are added.  At this rate there wont me many applications or 3d jobs I can't do. It's getting embarrassing.  So what is the real reason? I'd love to know as it's an answer no one has it seems. There are certainly a great many mediocre at best artists out there able to find regular work and full time positions so it's not the quality of my output.  It also can't be the amount of sculpts and models and scenes I put out as I have one of the highest outputs in the industry.

One major problem for me is that I simply cannot afford to render out many of the hundreds (if not thousands) of models I've done over the last few years. I can't afford to go running to a render farm, I also can't afford to burn out my remaining 2 machines as I cannot afford to replace them.  What I have is as serious case of needing the work to render stuff out , but also needing to render the 'good stuff' out to get work.  To make this worse it has to be 'spare money' i.e. money we don't need to live and pay bills tec.

Back in the day when I started sculpting stuff from spheres in 30-60 mins in Zbrush (as Mudbox didn't exist back then), I was repeatedly told it was useless to try and even if I did why would anyone want to sculpt that fast? (Back then speed sculpts were in the 3-6 hour range!)  I saw how it was  a useful skill to have to be able to block out fast revisions and ideas for concepts, but it seemed at the time anyone who was saying anything didn't think so at all. The names I was called because of it...well I lost count.

It took a long time but my sculpts started to get better and more complex within the 30 - 60 min time limit I had imposed.  Then came the whole 'Wayne's lying... no one can sculpt that in 30 mins' thing that did the rounds.  So to disprove this I started to put real time videos and DVD's out, and sculpted at the same speed at live events until it was obvious that the practice I had put in had yielded the results of being faster and keeping quality up.  

I still felt (as did some others who as it turns were right in this case) that my sculpts could still be a lot better, so I went out of my way to keep improving them every time I sculpted. I still do that to this day.  Once I started getting asked to do DVD's and do live 'master classes' (their description for publicity ...never mine by the way so stop the bitching about it. You have a problem, take it up with event organisers not muttering amongst yourselves), suddenly I started being seen as a teacher...I was not, I was still a free lance artist trying to make a living.   Then the emails would start asking 'do you take in freelance work?' that left me open mouthed.  That's questoin is repeadily asked of me.  

So no matter how hard I try to be seen as an artist who just happens to do other stuff, the reverse is all people seem to see...the exact opposite of what I want. Unfortunately the only way to live most times ( living in a rural location I cannot afford to move from)  is to do both the art and tutorials.

My mum always said 'a moving target is harder to hit' so I always tried to keep branching out and learning new skills and improving existing ones.  But for some reason I cannot fathom, the better I get, i.e. the more I improve as an artist, the less work I get as a direct result.  Work that one out because I sure as hell cant.

So as such my career is in the balanced on a razors edge as now although I have this 'name' that hangs around my neck like a lead weight I am flat broke...beyond flat broke in fact.  So what has 3D given me? Apart from being able to make my ideas a reality it has also given me stress from constant back biting from certain quarters, people hating you simply as you don't use the app they do and should you dare to touch it, all hell breaks loose...then there's the constant questions  I get asked  as if I am a free 24/7 extension of Autodesk's tech support....the list could go on.  

People end up hating you for crazy reasons, people you have never met (I was once threatened with being knifed in London by another 3D artist purely because I was using Mudbox and 'keeping it in the 3d worlds eye' which he blamed me for), crazy stories and rumours start doing the rounds about you that if true would mean you're either, dead, should be in prison, or are certifiable.  You name it I've had it, hate emails...yeah had those for years don't bother me any more... vilification for odd and intangible reasons? yep ...check.  People who seem to follow you around online and only surface to go 'See!! Look! he made a mistake ...he's so terrible!' and yet never seem to surface at other times.  Now I don't see a lot of other guys in 3d having this problem, so why would I attract it as much?

Is it because I am an outgoing person and the English are normally thought of as 'reserved' by other countries and as an outgoing guy I'm sorta breaking the predefined rules?  Is it because I speak my mind and always tell the truth as I see it and do not bulllshit?  Is it the crazy persona I use on my YouTube videos (which I am sure has done more harm than enough as people actually do believe that is what I am like lol...)  Is it because I bow to no man or woman and see all as equal regardless of rank or years served?  (because after all...we all put our pants on one leg at a time, because if we tried two at a time we'd end up flat on our arse LOL).  Is it because I have always lived life according to MY rules and not the rules imposed on us by others with no authority to do so?  

Again, I don't have the answers, just questions.  Could it be that when people think 'Wayne Robson' in many cases they think of work I did years ago back when I was doing the 'QuickStart' and 'From the Ground Up' videos and not my recent work?

Either way I am 41 now and after over a decade and a half of 3d and art I am unable to feed my family on a regular basis after the great many things I have done and achieved. I've lost count of the times I have been used in various ways by both companies and individuals for their gain, which is partly my fault for allowing myself to.  Now call me picky but this does exactly seem right to me. 

So the seesaw of life is tilting more and more towards leaving 3D very soon if things do not change.  Because although I love sculpting and modelling etc... I cannot be selfish enough to make my family continue to live on the fucking breadline just so I can live my dreams and try to reach goals I will never be allowed to reach. As paranoid as it seems I am certain there are those out there that will make damn sure no matter what I do or ever achieve,  that it will never be enough.  If I am right then they should be ashamed.  That means 3d is no longer about the art, it is about tiny cabals that you dare not piss off.

 

Even if I have to leave 3D,  all those I have taught over the years  will not be leaving and will continue onwards and upwards. There can be no stopping that...it's called progress, it cannot be stopped, so learn to live with it as its coming whether you like it or not.

 

I once said that environment modelling and texturing was 'easy'.  As a result a lot of environment artists became really pissed off with me and started the whole 'well he would say that as he's never done it'.  So in reply I did not only the entire interior of Durham Cathedral, but the exterior and about 25 photoreal full 3d scenes (which I had done in a single one month period).  Their reaction.... complete blank as I had proved them wrong.  (It was a case of either allow a whispering campaign that would damge my career or piss them of by proving them badly wrong).

I released MudWalker back in 2009 which was the very 1st plug-in to enable people to pass models and texture from app to app in a single click.  Reaction: From Mudbox people they were over the moon, from some others: 'well he must be hiring someone to program them for him!' (little hint: I don't bloody need to as I was a programmer long before I was an artist.)

I was told my anatomy was at times terrible...they were right it was back then, so I went out of my way to learn human and animal anatomy (something I will continue refining until the day I die)...again it wasn't enough....even though now in the very same people I notice some crazy anatomical mistakes. While thats ok in a speed sculpt its not ok in a final.

I tried to produce  a Hollywood quality short film on a budget of £25 over 4 months (it ended up as a month and a half after a drive crash meant I lost everything).  I screwed up badly as I needed up having to work 22hours a day, 7 days a week and once I completed it.   I then realised in a moment of clarity at EUE last year that it was total shit.  (I blame the shock of this 'epic fail' as one of the reasons I had the mini stroke as did the specialists back then).  Some peoples reactions: 'hahahahaha! serves him right!'

After my stroke people assumed that was the end for my career and that I'd never be the same again.  So I went out of my way to get back to my original health and not only that but upped the quality of my art vastly as a result.  Their reaction: 'oh he's lying again!!! No one can do that!' (err...yes you can if you focus all you have on it at the expense of everything else in your life.)  Yes I did have one and yes I did manage to fight back again. Suck on that...I can even hunt out the many hospital letters if need be.  This is no longer a barrier to me and I've made a 100% recovery through hard work and pig headedness.

Yes I am sick of no matter what I try or what I do in reaction to what people ask or require of me , that it is never enough and never will be.  Everything I've said here is easy to check up on within a bit of searching online across forums , YouTube, websites etc... and I seriously I encourage you to do so before writing it off as some 'paranoid meltdown'!

 

While I enjoy my art I do not enjoy 'the industry' which at times is like a bunch of back biting fish wives who are scared shitless in case someone makes them progress as artists.  Doing the same stuff in the same style, day after day, year after year is not being an artist...it's being a production line robot!  So learn new styles of art, new apps, new skills don't stand still and just vegetate and bitch every time a person comes along that changes things a tiny bit.  If you're a sculptor and cannot easily change from any sculpting app to any other then you're doing something wrong!   A painter does say 'sorry I can only draw with a B6 pencil so I cannot work today'. So please do not give me the same crap that you may have been peddling for years of one app being better as right now all can do the basics equally as well.

Also don't use the excuse that 'I don't have enough time to learn new stuff'.  I have a wife 2 kids (one who is 3yrs and one who is 7 years) and manage to be a full time dad and husband, take the kids to school, work while they are ill and crying and running about in the background, do my sculpting and other 3d work, run a business as a freelancer, program new and groovy shit, be active on social media, teach courses, do lectures and used to also run a forum , provide a on demand weekly stream and a shit load of other things...and do you know what? I STILL had time left to learn new things.  

So there is no excuse other than you simply cannot be bothered or don't want to. Period.

So please do not make me a scapegoat for your lack of enthusiasm to learn something new or to change the way you do things.   You may as well try to stop the tide from coming in as King Canute did, because your pissing against the wind just as much.  This might not sound 'nice' and it's not meant to be, I've had over a decade of so called 'home truths' so it's time for a few back I think.

 

These days you see many films and games with rather generic looks, many times because they are hiring people who sculpt in nearly identical styles, use the same handful of concept people and end up as a result rehashing the same ideas.  As no one can come up with brilliant original designs 24/7 without some themic repetition.  What we are seeing is an attempt to turn 'art' into a production line like MacDonald's by the men in suits running things.  Worst of all the 3d people are falling for it hook line and sinker.  Daring to be different these days can sometimes be a capital crime (both inside and outside of art lol.)

Artists are passionate individuals  whose emotions can run high and come across sometimes as a bit different or 'odd' to others. if not then you're sure as hell doing something wrong, as if you do not have these emotions and drive to call upon then your creatively running on empty.  It's looking more and more like the game and film industry do not want 'artists' but rather good little worker ants grateful for being allowed to create stuff for a nice film or triple A game.  The artists, programmers, TD's etc are not disposable ones, the men in suits often are.  So if you are hiring emotionless people with identical styles do not  be overly surprised when the end rest is emotionless and without that true creative spark.

I've lost count of the ammount of times people have said 'autodesk should hire / pay / blah blah blah wayne robson'...why should they? I've not been helping them..I've been helping those and those like you who are artists. Any affect its had on Autodesk is purely a side effect of trying to help others a little. (besides I'd rock way to many boats lol).

So do I consider myself an artist?  No, I do not as rarely does my work 'say' anything.  Granted some stuff I want to do in the future will mostly definitely say something.  But I can promise you a great many will not like what it says.   So no I am not an 'artist'...I prefer the term 'creative' as I do more than one thing and in a way I am sort of a renaissance man in that aspect.  (Although I do not consider myself in the category as the greats..it is simply the most fitting category for my skill set.)

Maybe that's where I am going wrong, it's not a case of the industry not wanting me, but simply I do not fit as it currently stands. in an industry that wants worker ants to stamp out similar models for similar games and films that will not rock the boat. 

At the very least its something for you all to mull over.   Was it all a big mistake assuming that it was a truley level playing field or do I just need a mega kick up the arse? I dont have the answers....

Wayne...
PS this is not a meltdown...a meltdown would have more cabbages, chainsaws and a lot more screaming wearing a bobble hat and scuba gear lol.  But hopefully it makes you stop and think for a minute or two.